A recently article by Kim Anami sparked a deep rooted desire in my.. pants. My latest article on I Love To You spoke about my thoughts on how to love, a love you give to another rather than a love that only exists between two people in mutual reciprocity. To further this, I think it’s important to talk about an aspect of that to love: arousal.

Serge Gainsbourg

On the subject of are there or are there not actually people out there that consider receiving sex actually the complete package of love making: after hearing about jealousy, fairness, and boredom in relationships, I’m certain people believe sex IS love making. I’m also certain that there are a lot of people out there who make love this way: “Because my legs are parted I have agreed that we can have sex so I am Parisienne now and love master like Serge Gainsbourg.”

Is this it? Is this arousal?

I am sure there are countless people out there who don’t make love at all, who don’t know what arousal is besides a lady or man boner. Not even to themselves. They just have sex. Fast, quick, lubed sex. The insanity!

You see, arousal is not about how much you get – just like buying sports shoes doesn’t make you a basketball star, and watching TV doesn’t make you a movie star. That’s the junk food kind of arousal.

The healthy long lasting arousal is the kind that you give and give and give and give.

Who Do We Arouse?

I would like to ask you the question: who do we arouse? Who do you arouse?

I put forth the proposal that it’s by proxy, by purely being involved in arousing, that one can then subsequently be aroused. That is, it happens when you feel your partner building in sexual pleasure. It comes from a comfortable positive space you have provided or built with them. When your partner is in the space of arousal where they release all reserve and melt into your hands, tongue, or… then you will have begun to arouse and thus be aroused. This is the secret to long lived arousal, and (I am assuming but hope to prove through a few more dozen years of experimenting) the source of long lived lives full of sensuality. To arouse, not simply to be aroused.

If your partner does not feel like they have been aroused, or that they are always doing the arousing, you will then be able to understand you are not mastering your arousal.

The Sacred of Partnership

This is where I feel many partnerships swoop into a deep rut and never quite recover from. The moment we start taking from the other what they are giving us, without ever feeling called to give back what we get, we start abusing our relationship.

Our culture has become gratified with consuming to the extent that we’ve severely outbalanced our give/receive scale. So much weight on what we receive has blinded us in fatness of the ego so that we don’t entirely understand what it means to also give.

As I’ve stated above already for arousal, a perfectly balanced relationship is to give. Can you imagine a relationship where both people are getting more pleasure out of giving?!

“No, I insist, let me give you a massage again today. The pleasure is much more for me than get one myself, pleasing as you do them.”

Or what about a world where more people get pleasure out of giving, and do so freely? “It would make my day if I could carry your burden today, ma’am.”

Moments of Arousal

To clarify what I mean by arousal, or means to arousal, let me indulge.


  • v. To awaken from or as if from sleep.
  • v. To stir up; excite: The odd sight aroused our curiosity.
  • v. To stimulate sexual desire in.


If I may formulate a sensual sentence with these definitions:

arousal is to awaken and commence stirring up our excitement in sexual desire and passion.

This doesn’t mention sexual penetration, nor does it even imply it. Yet arousal should be absolutely essential for the act of sex. So, how has arousal been lost?

Moments of arousal are directly tied into our consciousness in life. When we have arousal we are aligned, magnified, centered. Living in to this awareness through inner motivation we find a magnified life, we can become aroused. When we help another become aligned, we can arouse them. This is the elexir of life, no magician should leave home without it.

Yet we leave the home unaware of our micro moments of arousal, or the potential to be so. It is true, there are ways to become aroused by breathing, thinking, seeing, or smelling. Each and every day we are filled with all of these in many essences. It is our strict choice to decide whether or not we shall become aroused as a result, and too often than not, laziness wins. Social conditioning has dictated to us what is normal or not. For instance, becoming aroused in a classroom would incite, should you be found out, laughter from many.  Hearing your parents be aroused is portrayed as horrific and traumatizing. Smiling at a good looking human living in to their potential on the street is a disruption to our day. All of this being told to us clearly by the movies. Countless movies and television programming telling us how to act and react. Society telling us how to behave.

Enter: Porn

Porn has become a sex education center for the youth looking to learn about something so exciting which has dangerously been mistaken as a valuable teacher for arousal. Hardons exclusively are being mistaken for arousal, and the give and take of building that arousal state has been lost into the abyss of counting seconds between timestamps on messages. Often this then becomes a game of pin the tail on the donkey, where the seeker of arousal with a phone in their hands seeks just anybody; a game of numbers – switch the channel, watch another video, scroll the timeline; the game becomes too hard start another one.

Anything worth doing is bloody hard, and that’s a pun. The kind of arousal and passion in life is the kind of arousal that leaves your underwear wet from anticipation, pupils dilated so much vision is becoming blurry, consciousness blurs into a bliss of rising, flying. This kind of arousal is a higher state of being, not just ejaculation.

A-Rise-Al : Rising

When we are in a state of arousal, we are flying. When our partner is in a state of arousal, they are flying.

If your partner is arching their backs, curling their toes, reaching for anything to grab hold of, looking at you and in to you and becoming you, fully releasing to the movement of your hands and body, than, and only than, have you become a Parisienne and love guru like Serge Gainsbourg.

Sure, flying isn’t easy, arousal takes consistent time and patience and attention and above all else, listening so we can know what to give. There is no fairness when it comes to arousal because when we are arousing, we become aroused. In this state of arousal there is no boredom because there is always an opportunity to give.

The healthy long lasting arousal is the kind that you give and give and give and give. I suggest you find this within you.



Laughing Stick awoke early to catch the sunrise, his favourite time of day. He would awake, stretch like a mountain lion, and then walk to the waters edge to sit peacefully cross-legged and watch as the sun began to smile at him above the horizon.

Filled with the warmth of a new day, Laughing Stick would stand up, let out his happy hollar “awooooHA!” and begin walking back to his teepee. Along the way, he walked through a pasture with a small herd of horses, which would see him and his light and walk towards him. Laughing Stick, a prepared man looking to please, always had some bits of snack for the horses and would pat them down whispering sweet sounds into each of their ears as he handed them a little grass or a snack.

By the time he came back into sight of his teepee’s fire, he could see his woman bending over the fire with a fresh pot filled of hot water. His breath, though he had just left her side, became uneven and he noticed the warmth spread about his whole body.

Old Man, being an early riser but no longer able to watch the sun rise from the shores edge, would find himself seated in the front of his own teepee and watch from there. Every morning he would roll out of bed and slowly move to his seat and sit down, remembering the soreness of the previous day as he sat back down in his usual seat. Every morning sitting here, he would watch Laughing Stick inhale the energy of the sun, and begin his meander back to camp showering everything he came into contact with with his new energy of the sun. And every morning as Laughing Stick would pass in front of his teepee with a bucket of water for his woman, he would wait for that moment that Laughing Stick would see his woman and watch as every single ray of that sunlight he had inhaled would ignite and blossom.

North Star felt Laughing Stick approaching, after all, they were man and woman, they opened a sacred bond between them long ago. Her knees would become weak knowing he was returning, and she would never resist the smile that came to her face. He walked straight up to her, putting the bucket for her down in it’s spot and reached for her, no matter what she was busy doing, by the waist and hugged her close with the energy of the sun. Most days she would be reaching, too. The mornings passion immediately returned to her face, the smell of their passion still in her nostrils. Such support made her day melt. Such support made her breath return after the last one went. Such support was what gave her the strength to turn around and face Laughing Stick to hold his cheeks only a woman can do, and give him her everything in a kiss.

When North Star gave Laughing Stick what she had prepared for breakfast, he received it silently with open hands, look instead right into North Star’s eyes. His presence felt to her like she was living up to her will. She could think of nothing that would make her more happy than to see her star in his eye, and every morning when she handed him his bowl she would see this star as he said: “Thank you, North Star, for being with me this day and sharing your gifts with me, you are the most bright star in my life.”

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